Part of the problem is that there are three separate groups of people involved.
I think the consensus is that building FPC (as distinct from Lazarus) doesn't demand the presence of GTK v1/2/3 or Qt, even though it might build libraries capable of interfacing with them. As such, the FPC developers are blameless.
The core Debian maintainers already have a big job on their hands trying to reconcile problems caused by Wayland, Systemd and so on. The Pascal community really /cannot/ afford to antagonise them.
Whoever packages FPC into a Debian package has slipped up by assuming that because it includes GTK2 interface units it requires the presence ** of Debian's libgtk2.0-dev package: if it did then it would be impossible to recompile FPC on a non-GUI system. /That/ is where the problem lies, and /surely/ it can't be too difficult for the FPC maintainers to persuade them to see the error of their ways without upsetting the broader Debian community in the process.
Considering Lazarus: the current/stable version of Debian ("Trixie", v13) has separate packages for different IDE widget sets:
lazarus-ide-gtk2/stable 4.0+dfsg-3 all
IDE for Free Pascal - Last GTK+ version dependency package
lazarus-ide-gtk2-4.0/stable 4.0+dfsg-3+b1 amd64
IDE for Free Pascal - GTK+ version
lazarus-ide-qt5/stable 4.0+dfsg-3 all
IDE for Free Pascal - Last Qt version dependency package
lazarus-ide-qt5-4.0/stable 4.0+dfsg-3+b1 amd64
IDE for Free Pascal - Qt version
As I've said (briefly) above, I can confirm that a binary FPC (3.2.2, loaded from the FPC repo, not from Debian) is able to recompile its own sources (ditto) on Trixie without problems provided that it's got the standard ncurses etc. prerequisite for its textmode IDE. I've not however checked a recent Lazarus.
I've not checked, but I would have hoped that Debian's e.g. lazarus-ide-qt5 did not in itself have a dependency on gtk2. However that's of little use if (Debian's packaged) FPC has extraneous prerequisites, but that's the Debian package maintainers' problem rather than either the FPC developers/maintainers or the core Debian team.
I have not attempted to look at later versions of Debian: my modus operandi is heavily oriented towards SSH with X11 etc., and if Debian refuses to support that combination I will either look elsewhere or will ensure that development systems are aggressively isolated.
I'm not sure that answers all your questions (Robert), but I think it touches on most of them.
Edited to add:
** There is a possibility that the package maintainer doesn't realise the extent to which the FPC compiler includes its own build system analogous to make, and that external libraries will not be referenced unless a program imports the interface units.
MarkMLl