There is no highlight with carbon for buttons, if you really need it you must use qt or gtk.
This information is not correct. Certainly default buttons are supported by carbon, and this also worked with Lazarus up to Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger). Beginning with Mac OS X 10.5 (Leopard) the appearance of buttons changed (indeed they look much better). However, the default button is no longer highlighted.
Interestingly, this is not a flaw of the newer Mac OS versions, where default buttons are still supported. And it is not a bug of Lazarus itself, as the same application compiled with the same Lazarus version shows a default button on Mac OS Tiger but not on Leopard. It seems to be the specific combination of Lazarus-generated code and certain Mac OS versions.
In order to cite Apple: "A default button pulses and is the button that's selected when the user presses Return" [Troy Mott, Apple Computer, Inc. Learning Carbon. O'Reilly Media, Inc., 2001]